Who Are These People?

I just slip away in the middle of the night, and WHAM, before you know it... TEN FOLLOWERS!! Where the hell did you come from? (I can say HELL here because my dear spouse doesn't even know that the Menopause Cafe exists. He'd be tsk-tsking all the way to early morning Mass over my inappropriate language. Heck. Whatever.)

The real test is will you be back.... after a year and a half... or whenever I last posted about the woes of menopause.

Let's talk about sensitivity. No, I'm not talking about that weepiness that grabs the back of your throat when little Simba sees Mufasa imprinted with the hooves of a thousand water buffalo. I'm talking about being sensitive to everything else on the planet. Does that come with age?

For instance: Last time I used a different laundry detergent (Cheer of all things) I was really miserable. I laid my head on the pillow after a particularly long day and I suddenly felt as if I'd swallowed a box of No-Doz. My hairline started to itch, and I wanted to kick Señor who was happily snoring on the pillow next to mine. After several sleepless hours of fantasizing about pressing Popsicles to my scalp I finally moved to another bed.

It wasn't until the next day that I realized clean sheets were to blame... just about the time my nether regions began to chafe. It started as a certain sensitivity when I urinated. Then it  progressed into a desire to ride a hedge hog. I even toyed with the thought of putting Popsicles there. Anything to relieve that burning sensation.

NOOOOOO!!!!! I didn't use Preparation H!! Ick. I had a different problem.

TOXIC UNDERWEAR !!!

I tried going commando AND wore baggy pants. I drank a gallon of cranberry juice and meditated about bidets and igloos and shaved ice. And I soaked every stitch of my clothing that had seen the inside of a washing machine in the last three weeks. And the sheets and towels. In vinegar.

Finally, I went to my gynecologist who gave me the bad news. My vagina had betrayed me. It had gotten thin when I wasn't looking. (Too bad the rest of my body hadn't followed suit). And she gave me a small sample of Nirvana in a tube. How do you spell relief? CLOTRIMAZOLE AND BETAMETHASONE DIPROPIONATE

So I looked up vaginal atrophy online and learned with some disappointment that my epithelium was kaput. You can blame it on hormones. AGAIN. And I quote www.epigee.org here:

"Estrogen is the key to maintaining vaginal health and elasticity. As estrogen levels decrease during female menopause, the mucous membranes (vaginal epithelium) near your uterus produce less mucous. As a result, the vagina becomes very dry and thin. The walls of your vagina will become weaker and more sensitive. Acid levels also begin to decline, leaving you open to invading microorganisms, which can cause yeast infections and urinary tract infections. As your estrogen levels decline, less blood will circulate to the tissues in the pelvis, causing your vagina to thin and sag. Your vulva and vagina will probably begin to look different than it did before. Tissue and fat around the vagina will begin to disappear."

So there you have it. And you thought only your chin was beginning to sag.

Your weak walls will lead to the invasion of the body snatchers... They'll be grabbing your tissue and fat until your vulva is UNRECOGNIZABLE!!!

Shit.

But here's the silver lining...

"Relieving vaginal dryness is possible. There are a variety of treatments are available to women suffering from vaginal dryness. Your doctor will probably recommend that you try to have sex as much as possible."

 (I made that large just in case your eyesight is going, too.)

Now if that isn't enough to set your mind aflutter (and maybe something else) I offer the following, just in case you need a baggy pants option when your laundry detergent starts to revolt:

and even

though he's therapeutic in a different way.