Shock and Awe

Praise God and pass the ammunition! Four comments on my last post!! Even though the nasal hair trimmer disclaimer appeared twice, I'm counting it.

Sad. Sad. That's all I can say. I had to run to the mirror to check my nose hairs. Whew. Still in containment, but those chin whiskers keep me on my toes. I swear, they're made out of Kevlar or something. Every time I think I've grabbed one with the Maserati tweezers... it curls into its protective pore and doesn't come out 'til the sun is shining and I'm making an appearance at Wimbledon or Ascot or something.

Betcha never heard of Maserati speed tweezers? Right you are. My tweezing skills vanished when the bifocals arrived. I get whiplash just trying to groom my brows. Somebody suggested waxing, but I'm a wimp. Besides, if I started, I know I'd be tempted just to wax my whole face. I'd end up looking like a kohlrabi, which is nothing like a cool rabbi, just so ya know.

Sheesh! Now you've got me thinking that maybe ear hairs are to blame for my hearing loss. My husband has more hair in his ears than on top of his head. Is that just a male thing? Or is that another side effect of hormone replacement therapy? Help me out here, Ladies. Inquiring minds want to know.

My eighty-year-old mother finally decided she needed a hearing aid and had her hearing tested a month ago. The audiologist informed her that her ears were full of ear wax. Hello? And I thought our shared deafness was genetic...

So he sent her off in search of tree oil or jojoba or Crisco or something, and told her to put three drops in alternate ears for three days. Hmmmmm. You with me here?

When she returned to the audiologist, he was able to pull a fifty-year-old chunk of ear wax out of each ear. Fossilized, nay petrified ear wax. Looked and felt like wood. Where's Bernini when you need him? How many angels could be carved from that? (You know... pin sitters and all.)

Well, I think that's about enough for tonight. Next time, maybe we'll discuss something useful like constipation or homemade antiperspirants... or andropause.